Is this the way love's supposed to be? It's like a heatwave...

Ok, fine. Uncle. It's hot everywhere. Every mofo in the U.S. is sweltering right now in the ridiculous, painful, scorching heat. People are DYING. I'm sitting at my desk drinking the largest Gatorade that my local Conoco sells. Expanding my collection of wifebeaters (or boybeaters, as American Apparel so reverse-sexistly calls them) turned out to be a good decision b/c that's all I've worn after work for the past month and a half.

I was not genetically engineered to handle this kind of heat. Conan O'Brien once said it best: "I was genetically predisposed to live in an Irish bog." The heat really does make people crazy. I might have killed a man myself (and mark my works: it would have been a man), but cold-blooded murder usually requires that you leave the AC and fan for more than 20 min. at a time. And that isn't going to happen. I witnessed a car wreck on my way back from lunch that I was less than 2 seconds away from being involved in.... I think I'll put Summer of Sam at the top of my Netflix queue. Bring on the paranoia... if everyone's going crazy, I think I'll ride it out, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.

In other news NOT pertaining to the fact that the US is officially hotter than the hinges of hell, my new cell phone is scheduled to arrive today. You may remember (actually, you won't - don't bother trying) that I posted about my poor, tired, old cell phone back in May. She is now even older and more tired (I fondly named her "Hillary" when I first got her after HRC, who kicks ass). She's also being held together by 2 small pieces of scotch tape, which is sad. Plus, people keep pointing it out. They'll go, "Hey, your phone is held together with Scotch tape." I've been trying really hard not to cheerfully reply, "Tape on my phone, you say? Thanks, Captain Obvious - I had no idea! Especially since it's MY PHONE."

Some people have sharp tempers, some are risk-takers and some are gullible. I'm convinced that my sarcasm will probably be the death of me one day. It wasn't my fault, though. I watched a lot of Jeanine Garafalo and Laura Kitlinger stand-up when I was in high school...

p.s. If it's too hot for you, maybe this will cool you down. Because daddy, it's very, very cool.